Pregnant!

Unbelievable! I'm pregnant. 6.3 weeks. I mostly just very tired, fabrics irritate me to death. I dread getting dressed out of pjs, very sensitive breasts,bloated, etc.
o.k. I want to take to really take my time writing this so i can record notes for my own sake.I was incredibly emotional and angry during the 2ww. Like super irritable. My poor family...maybe its just hormones or what but I was pretty scary to be around. I took the hcg shots on P+3,5,7,8 just I could get done with it faster. On P+11,12,13 the test strip was about the same fairly faint but you can see the positive line clearly. On P+14  in the AM I took a test with FMU and it was extremely faint so I cried and cried and told dh I'm sorry for saying I think I'm pregnant when I'm not. So I was waiting for AF to arrive and then I thought later that afternoon why not test again just in case because it was weird for me to see a faint line that many days after a shot. Anyways, it was clearly positive after a few minutes. I was shocked! The only time I get that clear test line is when its the real deal. So, I told dh about it and really thought I was. Then he drove out the next morning as mentioned before (in our snowy unplowed neighborhood) to buy me another box of tests. It was positive! I was thrilled. I went and  got my blood drawn on P+15 and it was 75. PPVI wanted another draw two days later. It was 255. I went and got it drawn again on P+21 I think and it was 2550. I am very excited. Our kids are excited, Lou is excited. I can't believe it! This baby is due Sept. 17, 2017.
I kind of surprised by the negative comments I have received and I am trying not to take it to heart. Obviously I have my own self doubts about how I am I going to be a good mom to that many little ones? I really do feel overwhelmed right now. I don't think I do a good job homeschooling or keeping my house clean. How am I suppose to balance everything. I wish I could get some advice on this because I want to find a method that works for us.
 Also, I really needed to lose weight before getting pregnant again. I feel like I hide from all my friends because of being overweight now. I truly am embarrassed by it. I could cry thinking about how big I'm going to get, just because each pregnancy is getting incredibly hard with my body falling apart. I'm not complaining, I'm just worried about my health in general...

P+14

This is mostly for my own notes. HCG can stay in your system until P+14. A very faint line at least. I'm just waiting now for AF to arrive because if it's a very faint line after poas than it's a neg for me. I took my last shot on P+8 and have watched the line get lighter ever since. Believe it or not I still feel incredibly disappointed and cried about it this morning. I have been so crazy hormonal. This includes major carb cravings, irritability, anxiety, panic attacks, fatigue, mood swings. I HATE these symptoms and so does my family. I'm sorry for them. The HCG did help somewhat with the PMS symptoms as I didn't really suffer and depression this time around.

I HATE TTC!
And so that's it. Until next next cycle.

P+6

I actually poas this evening just to watch the fading of the sticks....but hopefully not fading :)

Good old 2WW

Once again I'm in the 2WW. I feel like I've already written this post before. Last cycle my literal phase lasted until p+5. I was taking Chinese herbs. I had a cycle review with PPVI and they put me on hcg to extend my luteal  phase. So I'm taking Chinese herbs with shots and praying this helps. Either way I had severe pms symptoms last month so I'm hoping the shots will help with pms at the least.

PREGNANT! (Please don't read if you are suffering with infertility)

Yes, I can't believe I am typing this four the fourth time, amazing! I am 7 weeks pregnant now. I seriously had a couple of negative tests before I got a positive test on P+13,14,15...and finally a blood test on P+16 my results were 429, HURRAY! we are so excited and grateful for this blessing. It is very surreal! I was on chinese herbs for 2 cycles and hcg for one cycle which I took on P+3,4,6,8 because I messed up the days. This time around I really feel like the morning sickness is harder...always queezy with a gross taste in my mouth. It is worth it though! My poor husband. The house has gone done hill because I am on the couch most of the day :( I would appreciate any prayers for a healthy pregnancy, thank you!!! I have an ultrasound in about 2 weeks and I am anxious to see how this little sweet pea is growing. I will have to post more later (because it is late now) about how we told my parents and some sweet stories from the kids about their excitement...just so I can treasure them for later :) ps. if you know me in real life we are keeping this news a secret for awhile :)

2WW

I still really hate the 2 week wait!!! I have been a crazy hormonal mess! Very certain I am not pregnant though...I already got a negative test and a fading positive test. I am on hcg again so I know it is just the hcg leaving my system. I wish I could just sleep until my period arrived because I have been such crazy lady, my poor family. I am on hcg to extend my luteul phase. last month it was three days and this cycle I am on P+11....i am in a major hurry to post this but i just wanted to write it down for my own sake really since it is pretty boring cycle stuff :)

Lent

Real quick...I really want to do some special Lenten things with my children this year for Lent. I got some idwas off of different blogs and came up with a few things that are working for us. Here are some pictures.

so a lenten center piece on our table, a "Stations in a box" which i LOVE, and they can earn jelly beans for Easter by doing good deeds. The stations in a box is my favorite because it is so hands on. I read alound the station and the kids take turns looking for the object that matches the station. I got the idea from a knotted life blog -she's awesome! here is a picture of the inside if your interested

oh i also made crown of thorns bread this year with soup for Ash Wednesday and the kids actually seemed to get the idea of what i was trying to represent :)

I am just hoping this lent to foster my children to have a greater love of Jesus by the end od 40 days...or at least a friendship with Him.

diet food

I went grocery shopping for endo diet food...now I have to stay committed!
so todays smothie was interesting! I msde myself drink it although it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be.

tasty and healthy!

finding a friend

This will be a sloppy post because I am typing on my phone. ..I was thinking that maybe I would start blogging more since I have really no friends here. That is besides my husband. Really I have NO friends. It is pretty lonely!  Since I went to college in 99  and got married we. have lived in really GREAT communities until 2013. I now have an idea of what a dessert might feel like.  Yeh, it sucks! But I am glad I have my faith. It teaches me there is a reason. Providence planned this. God knew it would be lonely here. For some reason this is the best place for me right now. I ask myself why? I really have to pray about it. Because it is hard to see why or maybe it is just hard for me to accept why. Perhaps we are here because my husband is awesome at talking about the faith and I am great at smiling and nodding while he talks ( just kidding but kind of serious)! He really does have a gift for talking to people. I LOVE that about him!
Anyways, have I mentioned it is lonely here...maybe I just have cabin fever. I do open up our curtains even during the night and just stare and image warm weather...today was -21 with wind chill....don't cry for us though (I already did).  when we lived in Richmond, VA I remember I asked my dear neighbor if it was ok to take my kids out in the jogging stroller in 40 degree weather...here though it is a different story! I made my kids play outside last week when it was 16 degrees and I have taken them grocery shopping in a blizzard and told them it was "ok" and "we'll have fun"!
But you get desperate when your stuck inside ALL THE TIME :)

Now for a side note Emma just turned one  Jan. 20. She is so smart!  When she learns something it sticks! she just learned to walk and it is all she wants to do. I am soooo proud of her! Charlie, he is strong! He can run and head butt me in the upper thigh and I want to cry! It hurts so bad. Yes, he is all boy! But maybe he will be an actor because he spends all day being Elsa, anna, rapazzel (he's eccentric) or ect. Lucy, she is into crafts like no other!!! Crafts or crap is EVERYWHERE! I really don't know what to do about it. I have a love hate relationship with it!!! At the moment I love it but tomorrow when I find pieces of toilet paper all over the living room as some sort of fairy dust then I will hate it!

Now I must say good night and it was nice to pretend I am talking to a " friend".

Update after a year...yup, still alive!

Ok, I know it has been awhile since I updated. One of the ereasons has been because I just dont know where to start! After I had Emma I just had (have) my hands full...ok, Charlie makes up most of the hand full but that's to be expected. He's 2 :)

Anyways, Emma was born at home like we planned. I knew she was coming the morning I woke up on the 19th of Jan. I rolled over and woke up my husband and said "today's the day". I will save her birth story for another day but let me just mention one of the hardest parts...
after delivering her on our living room couch (in which I screamed a few times I am going to die at one point) my midwife said she was going to stitch me up where I tore without pain meds....I bawled my eyes out! I still don't think I am over that! Obviously I am not if it is one of the first things I have decided to mention.
(Please don't read this next part if you are suffering with infertility!)
Well, now I have to mention cycle news as usual just because I keep it up for my own records :) I just got my cycle back and I am excited to ttc again! I love having my kiddos. Yes, my life is crazy busy, chaotic, and I feel like I am just trying to stay afloat most of the time but I wouldn't trade it for anything. They are such a blessing! The pains of infertility have made me wide open to receiving as many children as possible for us. So, with that I am starting an endo diet again...I hope I can stick to it. I figure Lent is a great time to go for it. Also, I am going to start taking some herbs from the acupuncturist that helped me when I was ttc Lucy and Emma.

In other news, we have lived here in Auburn, NY for about a 1.8 years now and it is cold and grey here. That is all I have to say...still speechless! Hardily any sun here!!! My dh loves his job which is always a blessing. Still it is very lonely here and there aren't many families with young children...

I know I have said this before but I am going to try to make time to read blogs...I just need to get a grip on my life so there is some peace and quiet to read. That. would. be. so.nice!

It's Almost Time...

It's almost time for the birth of my 3rd baby!!! I am so excited to meet this new little one. I might regret saying this but i am guessing we are having a girl. I am not good at guessing but 50/50, right ? Anyways, I have been working like crazy around here to get everything done that "needs" to be done. Seriously, half my list is pure craziness I am sure but the other half is a MUST be done in my crazy nesting eyes. I was wondering if I would get that nesting bug and boy has it hit me hard recently now that the holidays are over and my sister had her beautiful baby girl...I have been rushing through this house trying to make everything in order, planned out, and perfect, before the baby's arrival.

Two things have been making me super motivated to get it all together. 1) We are planning a home birth so I want everything clean, tidy, organized, and planned out from Plan A to Plan Z with different scenarios. 2) I am not sure of what kind of help I may have after the birth.


OMG! My freaking blog post just got deleted and I am to tired to rewrite what I just typed out!!!! I will have to finish this one another time. I am so incredibly frustrated!

Thanksgiving picture

I really wanted to change our family picture at the top of this blog for a new Thanksgiving picture but and that's a huge but! I am to vain to post one! I seriously look like I am going to pop so maybe this year I'll just post one of the kids :) I am about 5 pounds over what I usually deliver at and I still have about 7 1/2 weeks to go. I think i am going to go into hiding here soon because I am just embarrassed that I am getting so big this time around. I know that sounds terribly vain and I don't mean to sound ungrateful for being pregnant but I just don't know what to do to keep the weight down!!!! When we lived in VA I could go on long walks with the kids but here in upstate NY it is freaking cold!!!! I don't know how to function in weather like this, seriously! I guess I could try exercising inside with a video...that's an idea. Maybe I could try tracking what I eat...any suggestions? I can't wait to get all of this weight off of me i really feel like I just don't recognize myself at this point, haha!

In other news around here, I am anxiously waiting to hear from my twin sister to see when she is in labor yet! I can't wait to meet her baby :) I am so excited for her and her hubby!!!! I really do pray she has a smooth labor! She has everything set up BEAUTIFULLY!!!! I am so jealous, haha! But really she has done a great job making a nursery and all. So pretty! I am hoping to drive down there with my kiddos so we can see her baby right away and maybe I can be of some sort of help to her (even if I do have my kids with me). We'll see.

On Friday I am meeting with a new midwife! Yes, that sounds crazy to switch and I can't even make up my mind on what to do but this one sounds very thorough, which is a good thing. She is an hour from here and then there is a two hour presentation and then an hour drive back here, wow. That is a lot I know but dh and I are going to arrive late because that is just to much for us at this point :)

Hopefully this weekend we are going to get some baby projects done around here!!! We are running out of time ! I will post a list soon of what I want to get done just for my own sake since it probably pretty boring to look at :)
Happy Thursday!

Planning for birth

Today I have been so busy thinking, planning and writing lists preparing for our new baby. I can't help but feel anxious with everything I want to get done. It is crazy how with each pregnancy I get less and less done...that is fine...I just need to find away to get the most done during the holidays. I really feel like since I have about 9 weeks left that with the holidays some of the weeks are just going to count as gone already since we are traveling to VA for Thanksgiving and then hopefully there again when my sister has her baby here soon. Plus, with Advent, Christmas, all the shopping I have to do I feel like time is running out!
I am grateful though that my husband's niece has been coming to help me out a few times recently which has been nice although I am not very good at telling someone what to do. The first day I was like, would you like a cup of tea" and now I am like "can you vacuum, can you do the dishes, can you give the kids a bath," and so on. HUGE help I must say :)
I was reading a blog recently and came across a birth pool that you can buy that sounds like an excellent idea to set up in our living room for the active part of labor. Not very expensive either :) I think it sounds like a great way to relieve some of the pain during the whole thing...
Tomorrow is my midwife appointment down in Ithica which is about 55 min. away and so I think I will talk to her about the idea since she mentioned a trough (sp?) before (that doesn't sound to cozy).
I have made it now just 4 days cutting sugar, gluten, and most dairy out of my diet. I have to say it is so freaking hard! One day I had to keep sitting down because I kept feeling shaking and shortness of breath. Crazy! I really hope to keep it up as best I can through out the rest of this pregnancy and afterwards. I do know it is better for me so I just have to stay motivated!!!

7 Quick Takes

1. We now live in Auburn, NY. We moved here June 23rd...huge change for us! This has been an incredibly stressful year for us. New house, new job for hubby, new baby on the way, all in a new location. We are still adjusting to living here, but I just have to say it has been a very difficult move :( I have been very lonely here without friends so I thought I would try to take up blogging again and reach out to my online blogging friends for company...I hope I can keep up with updates!

2. Charlie is now 19 months and such a big boy. He is such a lover and a daddy's boy. He really, really keeps me on my toes. I always have to check and see what he is up to!!! He certainly keeps up with his big sister now and can say several; shoes, boots, brush, I love you, sorry, mama, dada, lalu (Lucy), bottle, boo-boos, etc...He is still nursing but not as interested as Lucy was. He will actually point to his bed at night while nursing and ask to go to bed instead of nurse which is sooo very different than his sister. He always makes me laugh :) He wakes up asking for daddy and goes to bed crying to see daddy again! Such a huge daddy fan!

3. Lucy is 3 and 3 months and becoming such a little girl. I am still working on potty training her...it just doesn't seem to click. She will hold it all day and wait for her night time diaper or just have an accident but rarely makes it to the potty...any suggestions? She is a mama's girl. I love snuggling with her and doing crafts together. She loves to help me bake, or be my little helper around the house. She keeps an eye on Charlie and loves to shout out, Mama look what's Charlie doing? when Charlie is doing something he is not suppose to be doing...which is often :) She loves to go to Church, library, grocery shopping, and to visit family. I love watching her be a little mother to Charlie. So precious. I am working on weening her very tiny nursing session before bed. I keep telling her my mee-mees are getting smaller and going away to get ready for baby. She always suggests I call the grocery store and get more. I keep telling her the grocery store doesn't sell the mee-mees but she insists we call them and ask them to sell more for her!!! I really need to do something about this before the next baby arrives.

4. I am 30 weeks now! I can't believe it! I feel so blessed to be having another baby! I am due end of January and I can't wait to meet this new little one. I am guessing that I am having a girl just because this baby seems to be so gentle in my womb like Lucy was but then again I am really bad at guessing the gender of my babies, haha! I feel pretty well most of the time just very uncomfortable a lot. I am at the weight now that I usually am when I deliver so that kind of freaks me out big time. I am really trying to watch what I eat now, like stay away from my kids Halloween candy, but it is really hard sometimes to eat healthy when I just don't have the energy to take the kids shopping etc. This is worrying me for labor so I have started exercising again trying to build up stamina over the next ten weeks.

5. There are so many things are want to get done before the baby comes that I can't help but get so frustrated on how little I accomplish. Now that I chase the kids around all day it is so hard to find the time or energy to repaint rooms, or decorate, or knock down closets, etc. Usually when the kids go to bed at night I am fried and normally rest the evening away...not much progress there!

6. Planning on a home birth. I really do feel at peace with this idea compared to what my options are here in NY. It is a crazy state with how controlling they are on where you have to deliver if you are having a VBAC again So frustrating that's for sure. I am trying to plan meals, and everything else out to make it that much easier for the lack of help I will have after this birth. Does anyone have any ideas on how to make it a peaceful time after having a baby if you don't have much help? I am open for suggestions. I really want to make this a very joyful occasion for us and not be so anxious about managing the house and the kids...please suggestions are welcome :)

7. Changing my diet while pregnant...probably a crazy idea but I am trying to go gluten and dairy free again right now to slow down my weight gain. I really gain a ton of weight when I eat breads, pastas, cheeses...but if I can just manage to stay away from these foods the weight stays off of me which would be a huge help after having a baby.

PREGNANT!!!!

Yes, that's right! I am pregnant with # 3. I am so happy and feel so blessed that God is given us another baby. I am due in January, 2014...I just can't believe this wonderful news!!! I am very excited for Lucy and Charlie to have another sibling so I pray everything goes well!!! When I have sh computer I will write in more detail about ttc but rigt now I just have the iPhone which takes forever to type anything...
I had my blood drawn on p+ 16 and my hcg level was 337 which is great for me. I don't remember if I blogged about Charlie's hcg # but his was very low 13. I must have gone in for a blood draw on p+10 or something but I wasn't really charting well with him. Anyways, I am on progesterone again even though I don't know what my numbers are, oh well, fine with me ;) this was my fourth cycle after getting my cycle back.  The first two cycles we tried everything natural. Cycle  #3 I used some Chinese herbs and then cycle 4 dr. H.ilgers put me in hcg p+ 3,5,7,9 like I have been on in the past. Well, that did the trick!!! I was ovulating on cd 21 and having 8 day lutel phases so when I made it to day p+ 13 I started getting hopeful and poas. Same for days, p+14,15,16 I will have to post a pic if how many tests I actually took, rediculously hoping!!! So I wanted to see the hcg fading on the sticks or staying and it was staying! I am so happy with this news and grateful for Gods generosity during this stressful time in our lives! We are moving to upstate NY in s few weeks and this news really puts a smile on my face! Thanks Sew for putting up with my obsessive texting, haha!!! (Ok maybe I did have time to type this out...funny)

***if anyone can spare some prayers for a healthy pregnancy I would really appreciate it!!!! Xo

Day 1

Breakfast
Dairy free egg casserole with broccoli, mushrooms, bacon
Fresh squeezed orange juice

Snack
1/2 blueberry muffin, latte with sugar

Lunch
Salad: mixed greens, blue cheese, bacon, steak, ( just a little bit of the meets and cheese) honey roasted nuts, apple, purple onion, olive oil, balsamic vinegar

Snack
Smoothie: 1/2 coconut milk, berries, banana, water

Dinner
Rotisserie chicken breast, steamed carrots, green beans with butter

Exercise
Run 3 miles with kids in stroller

Water
1 gallon

Many changes...

We have had a lot going on lately!!!! Some of you already know our news , we're moving! Yup, as much as I don't want to it really is a necessary move for us! My husband just couldn't pass up the new job opportunity and so this move should really be beneficial in the long term :)
We are going to be living in or near auburn ny. If anyone lives near there please feel free to contact me because I would love to have some friends there ;)

In cycle news I started taking hcg injections again. I am not ovulating until day 21 and only have an 8 day lp so hopefully this should help out!

Also, I want to try doing the whole 30 challenge. I think it would be really good for me so I just might record what I eat on this blog for 30 days. I was suppose to start today but after a really long night with kids and just trying to survive today FB came home and asked if I wanted a bagel sandwich a mocha from my favorite place... I just couldn't resist!!!! Ug! Off to a rough start!

My kids are getting so big! I don't really feel like Charlie is a baby because he walks so well and he is ALL boy, super tough but such a lover!!! Lucy is really developing her own train of thought like shell say, you look cute mama ( as I stand naked with tiger print underwear on). I lover her sweet comments! And not so sweet like stop it mama! We're working on that! Anyways, I only have my iPhone to type this on so there are going to be plenty of mistakes in this postp. Just wanted to update a bit.

Has anyone done the whole 30 challenge? Any tips on how to do itsuccessfully?

Update/ ramblings...CD 7

I am horrible with making time to blog! I know that! I just have a hard time juggling everything and blogging...I am still learning!
I don't know where to begin so I'll just start rambling :) I was thinking I need to record some things for my own sake so I can go back and re-read them in the future, like past cycle information, baby stuff, etc.

So, Valentines Day was CD1 for me. Strange! So strange! This is my first cycle after Charlie's birth and I was actually anxious for it to return. I want to have another baby. I miss the infant stage. Charlie is my little wild man. He is 10 months now and just on the verge of walking any day now. Unbelievable to me! When I compare my two little ones they are night and day different. I feel like half the time I have to wrestle Charlie to nurse because he is so active he doesn't want to hold still and then on the other hand tonight was the first day Lucy ever went without nursing...(please don't be criticle of me for this) I have left weaning up to her. If she is hysterical or just really upset about not nursing I don't say no to her. But if she handles me distracting her with something else (milk in a a sippy cup) then we opt for that. She was 2 1/2 yesterday and getting to be such a big girl. I started potty training her today and she was so proud of herself when she went on her little potty. Charlie is still sleeping in our room. Things have kind of spun out of control with that situation. Dh has been on the couch going on three weeks now becuase he sleeps so badly with Charlie in our room. Charlie loves to wake up and play if he sees us all in the same room. So Dh is on the couch, I sleep on Dh's side of the bed now and I made a barracade on my side of the bed so Charlie can't see me from his pack n play. Sounds crazy, I know, I agree! But we are trying to transition Lucy to her own big girl's bed (which she won't stay in) and Charlie to a crib. I tried to switch them all on Valentine's night (stupid me) but all hell broke lose and by the end of the night everyone was moved back to there orginal sleeping spot...nuts! I think Dh and I are still traumatized to try to move them again. Back to the kids now. Charlie has 8 teeth, which he grinds pretty often. He is super strong and tough. He falls down A LOT and hits his head all the time but nothing stops him. He is very stubborn but also very affectionate. SUPER snugly, and loving. He is very social, and LOVES people. LOVES to be where the action is. He is just like his daddy!!! But looks like a Meza (that is my side of the family). Lucy is very artistic. She can color or do crafts or any other detailed thing for hours. She loves to sing! yeh! We sing all the time. She loves to sing the Sound of Music Song Lonely Goatherd (that's the clip we play over and over) Her favorite show is Caillou. She loves us to read stories to her. She loves Sweet Frog Yogurt. Her white (used to be white) blanket has to be with her for her to sleep. Charlie is a thumb sucker. He has a green and white blanky that is a must for him as well. He snuggles with it all the time. That blanky is almost always on my shoulder when I hold him because he loves it so much. His hair fits his personality because it is wild. The more I brush it, the bigger it gets :) He mostly eats plain whole fat yogurt with a bit of raw maple syrup. He eats real food 1-2 times a day and he is 24 pounds apx. He drinks raw milk in a sippy cup. He seems to be transitioning between two naps to one nap a day. Although I am hoping he'll stick to two naps a bit longer.They are awesome kids, seriously the best, but I am biased of course :)

So that is my children update for now. Mostly for my own records :)

Oh yeh, about my cycle I think it was really weird. I was actually using OPK's and got a + for ovulation. I had 10KL several times as well so we did ttc hoping to get pregnant before a cycle ever returned but then then about 4 days later was:
Cd1 M  r (started late evening)
Cd2 H r
Cd3 M r
Cd4 VL r (so light no pad)
Cd5 0
Cd6 0
Cd7 6K 1x

Is that normal to have a 2 1/2 day period???? I had no bad cramps which was AWESOME! Just a dole achy feeling. I didn't have to take any Advil, so different than my past history!!!! I am hoping my cycle gets regular over the next couple months. I would love to conceive again, God willing. I love my babies, I love my crazy hectic days, cuddling with them, laughing with them, watching them just be them...I never thought I would be so blessed. God has blessed us abundantly. I couldn't help when I started my cycle this time to cry because all of my fears of infertility all the memories of ttc and heartaches are so vivid to me when I start my cycle. I pray I never have to go through that suffering again.I cried because that is the reaction I am used to having when I see my cycle. Does that make any sense? To me a cycle has always reminded me of my infertility...So for the time being I am attempting to slowly go back on the endo diet. I am taking hydrocorticone 5mg. 4x per day, pre-natals, and I started running again with the kids. I still have 25 pounds I would like to lose. But I have a goal of losing it by the end of April :)

I hope you all are having a blessed lent! Many prayers for you all!!!

Perspective

I have been thinking a lot about my last post and since I don't post often and then I decided to rant about Dh's and my Christmas plans in a negative light I don't want anyone to misconstrue that we are having marriage problems or that are marriage is in a bad state. The more I have prayed about this the more I can't help but think about Our Lady and her journey to the manger in Bethlehem to give birth to Christ. Here it is the Christmas Season and how appropriate for me to try to better understand the birth of Christ; Our Lady giving birth in an unfamiliar place, amongst strangers, away from home, etc. How can I complain? I am not sleeping in a manger, I have my family with me, I am blessed to have two beautiful babies, I have my husband by my side taking care of us. I really think in order for me to enjoy this Christmas I need to change my perspective! There was a time when I didn't have children when I would have done anything, suffered anything to have them. I really think I need to count my blessings! I am blessed this year to spend Christmas with my husband. There are many families who are not as fortunate. Also, I have my children. I get to be with, hold them in my arms and see their faces light up on Christmas morning. We will have many family members, and friends to rejoice with us in Christ's birth this season and that is truly a blessing! What I need to do is ask myself how can I make the most out of this Christmas for my family. What can I bring with us and plan for us to make this Christmas Eve and Christmas day extra special. So, if anyone has any suggestions on how to do this away from home please share. in the meantime I will be praying for God to please help me to be the wife and mother He is calling me to be this Christmas. It may not be what I have in mind but how can God mold me in to who He wants me to be if I am unwilling to respond "Fiat" like the Blessed Mother said. I need to be a trusting wife and mother to the head of my home!

Bad Day! (majorly negative post)

You ever have one of those days that just seem like it is one bad thing after another???? Today is that day for me! I just want to go back to bed and start over. But the issues that arose today are still going to be there tomorrow and I have to face them. One thing about having children is that I can't just mope and lie around like I used to if I were unhappy. I have to act like everything is o.k because they are watching me so closely even though I just want to sit on the couch and cry!!!!

I was looking forward until Christmas but I just want it to be over with!!!! I could just scream! This is my situation in a nut shell. We ended up going up to NY to see Dh's best friend and family and relatives for Thanksgiving because my family was out of town and Dh's best friend's mother has been diagnosed with cancer and is undergoing treatments...long story. Anyways, Thanksgiving SUCKED! We were up there for 8 days. The kids and us were exhausted! Charlie got sick after a few days and both kids slept horribly which means we slept horribly as well. I was exhausted from bad nights of sleep and super lonely. Dh spent 6 out of 8 nights at best friend's mother's house while I went to bed with the kids. I just like to spend holidays especially close with Dh and now that we are going up to NY again for Christmas it's going to be me and the kids alone again a lot of the time. I know that there will be his family for him to pass me off to but do you ever feel like you can visit with everyone and still feel like your all by your self? i don't want to spend Christmas up there this year!!!!!!!! I want to wake up in my own house with the children's stalkings hanging, baking some nice things, having a Christmas Tree, and a baby Jesus in our manager, making traditions, and spending quality TIME TOGETHER! Now we will be staying in a empty house, just us, that is so unfamiliar to me and the kids. I am so angry that I don't have a say so in this. I have already cried about this tonight. I am so BUMMED OUT. That I am not looking forward to Christmas this year. Let's just get it over with and move on! I am not saying that I don't want to go to NY at all during Christmas but why not just a couple days after Christmas????WHY?WHY? WHY? I am off to bed because I can't even think straight about this. I am FUMING!

By the way, I don't have time to edit this post so it is seriously a ranting post. may not even make sense ;)