CD 1

First off, my picture header is messed up. I can't even think straight to fix it at the moment!!!
AF is here. I really don't know what to think...I have been wondering when Af would come back. The one thing I noticed compared to past cycles is that I don't have to pop any Advil. Usually i would take anywhere from 2-4 depending how bad the cramps were but this period is not nearly as painful. I was thinking maybe I should go back on the endo diet again just to keep the endo at bay as much as I can. I already went and bought groceries for it. Hum, honestly I am hoping to get pregnant right away. (I am not about spacing babies, haha!)I am not going to stress about TTC in the meantime, but if it happens I am going to be doing a happy dance. I would LOVE to have another baby!!!!!!! Yeah, to having my cycle back, Woo-hoo!

7 Quick Takes

I have been reluctant to blog lately because I just don't know where to start. Do you ever feel like you have so much to say that it's hard to know what to say first? I have been feeling like that since motherhood started!

So I'll just do 7 quick takes I guess on a regular basis :)

1. Lucy had her "6 month" well baby appointment on Monday although she is really 7 1/2 months now. She is in the 90% for both height and weight. She is now 27 1/2 inches long and 21.8 pounds. It's amazing that breast milk can make a baby so chubby! I love her rolls!!! Lucy now has two bottom teeth (have I already mentioned that before?) She is wearing one of those amber teething necklaces to help with the pain. I am not sure if I notice a difference yet. She can sit up now without support although she does tip over occasionally. Lucy loves to talk. Baby talk that is. All day around the house she is talking/ singing to me. She'll copy different sounds I say. I could have sworn she said "dada" the other day! But she hasn't said it since. She is a GREAT sleeper! She takes two two hour naps a day and only wakes up once during the night to nurse. Granted we don't get much done out around town because I don't want her to fall asleep in the car. I love staying home though. We spend our afternoons baking, cooking dinner, cleaning, hanging out on the front porch people watching, bath time, pretty much relaxing, and waiting for daddy to come home. I LOVE IT! Oh, and Lucy had her first fever the other day. Oh my goodness it scared me. Of course I cried because I am a worried first time mom :) She is all better now but it was so sad to see her not be herself and just lay there and moan/ cry. Poor baby. I am so glad see her feel better again. Did I mention I panicked and called her Dr's office several times to see what I am suppose to do.

2. I am doing a Doula certification program. It is going to take me awhile to finish so for now I am doing the required readings and looking for births to attend :) It really is very interesting. My only problem is leaving Lucy to attend training or even a birth, haha! I am soooo attached to her! But I wish I didn't have any anxiety about leaving her in someone else care but I do and so for now I am taking my time with the training until I have more peace of mind.

3. We FINALLY have a new used car, Woo-hoo. Believe it or not I kind of enjoyed not having a car. It really made life slower for us and Lucy and I did A LOT of walking around town. I am going to try to keep that part up, but we'll see how that goes. We didn't have a car for about 3 months which flew by. So happy to have one now!!!

4. My sister's wedding is coming up next month. I am so happy for her. It has been crazy lately trying to get the invitations in the mail. Oh my goodness talk about time consuming. But now they are done and my house can finally be cleaned up. I put everything on hold while doing the invitations...I still can't believe my twin sister is getting married. I can't wait for her to have this vocation in common with me. So amazing! Also, I can't wait to post pictures of her dress (after she is married of course). It is beautiful!!! I love it!

5. So I have been exercising trying to loose the baby weight but I swear that baby weight is glued onto me!!!!!!!. I am trying not to lose hope here but seriously it is hard to drop the pounds. I have lost 12 pounds in the last 3 months and that is just to slow for the wedding. I am trying not to stress out about it. Every time I think of Lucy I think it is worth it. I would gain it all again for another baby. I guess I just have to be patient. Maybe my sister will put her wedding on hold for me until I lose it all :) haha!

6. I have been introducing baby foods to Lucy. I love seeing her try new foods. I am not a fan of rice cereals, or packaged/ process foods for her so she has just been eating real food. So far she has just tried a few different kinds. She hasn't really taken an interest in real food yet so for now she is still a really big nurser.

7. I am on a kick of trying to have an ordered life. One with routine, schedules, organization. I am REALLY far from being where I would like to be but one can hope, right? I am reading this book (amongst many I have started and haven't finished) called Steady Days; A Journey towards intentional Professional Motherhood by Jamie Martin. It has a really interesting approach. I heard of the book from the styleberyblog She always has great ideas.

This took me longer than I thought it would :) I miss you girls!

Prayers please! (Update)

Please play for a friend of our family that delivered her baby at 24 weeks (6 months) and is in need of prayers. She was spotting and then her water broke. She delivered her baby by c-section. Poor girl. I can't imagine what she must be going through because her baby was flown to a NICU away from her :( The baby was baptized immediately. Please pray for them.

*******Updated********
Please pray for the family and the repose of the soul of their baby boy who died last night. He weighed under two pounds and fought a good fight. This just breaks my heart. I haven't heard if the mama got to spend time with her baby before he passed away. Oh, this just breaks my heart!
Prayers please! This is the second baby she has lost.

The Emotions of a Mother

I read this beautiful post today from a blog named, MyChildILoveYou.blogspot.com The blogger has such a beautiful view on motherhood and I think she is very inspiring. Here is the post if you are interested: (Just to emphasize these are not my words but another blogger's post.)If you get a chance to take a peak at her blog I highly recommend it :)

The Emotions of a Mother
I have had so many conversations with women about certain emotional areas of motherhood. We can all agree that so many emotions go into the massive job of raising souls. Of course, we find laughter, contentment, frustrations, joy, growth, and love. I do believe there are many other emotions that women don't talk about much that are normal and part of our "job description." I believe these that are left "untalked about" lead many women to feel inadequate or that they aren't a good mother. I've mentioned so many times before the blessing I've been given of so many holy and experienced mothers. They have shared with many the normalcy of the wide variety of emotions.

Upon further reflection, I believe God lets us experience these emotions so we have yet another opportunity to share in His Calvary and grow deeper into union with him.

1. Loneliness: As my very content mother at home put it, "The loneliness of motherhood is deafening." We are at home with our little ones making life changing, life altering decisions EVERY day. We are the ones to decide what is best for them and pick for them the things that will affect their entire lives. We are the ones watching a child with a raging fever and trying to decide if we should call the doctor now or NOW. We are the ones with a little one pulling at our leg for attention and we are well aware we haven't given them much attention today, but dinner needs to be cooked, laundry needs to be folded, the bathrooms need to be scrubbed, the baby needs to be held, and we are trying to lose that extra 15lbs, so our thoughts are preoccupied with so many different thoughts. We are at home all day with no one above our knee cap to talk to and that lends itself to loneliness. We are directing traffic all day and yearn for a fellow officer to be with us to ease the heaviness of the job.
I recall an incident once when John was away camping with Dominic. At bedtime, I had let the girls talk for a while, but went back to the room to tell them it was time to be quiet. I said, "If I hear one more word, you will have to sleep in another room by yourself." Torture for someone who is use to having siblings to sleep with. So, long and behold, I walk down the hall and hear some chit-chatting. So, I turn right back around and calmly ask the offender to grab her pillow and blanket and escorted her into the other room. I tucked her in, told her I loved her, and said good night. She was devastated and afraid. I knew she was afraid, but I knew that if I didn't stick to my guns, the behavior would repeat and she would know that I didn't mean business. I remember crying that night. I hate those decisions. I didn't want to make her afraid, but I don't want a disrespectful child who doesn't listen to our requests. I remember feeling lonely that night especially since John was gone and not there to affirm or tell me that I was/wasn't doing the right thing by sticking with my decision. I believe Satan tempts mothers at home with thoughts of "Other women are content, why aren't you. Everyone else knows how to handle these situations, why can't you. All women at home are happy, why aren't you? No one has ever lost their patience like you."

2. A deep desire for friendship which is usually accompanied by the feeling of "not having any close friends."
Oh, how I could write forever on this issue. My wise mother again said, "Mothers need other mothers." No matter how close John and I are, I still yearn for friendship with other women and mothers to talk with, share with, bounce ideas with, cry with, figure life out with, go on girl walks with to talk about girl things with. I think most women are tempted with the feeling of "I don't have any close friends, you know like I did in high school." With children, life is sporadic and doesn't lend itself to the time needed to build close, womanly friendship. We are wearing so many different hats, trying to keep our own homes afloat and then to have the time to nurture a relationship usually isn't there, but the desire is there. I believe Satan tempts us with thoughts of "Everybody has friends, but you."

3. Comparison: This one is a real trap for mothers. There is nothing like being with other mothers and your little one just doesn't quite compare. I remember how well Dominic knew his saints and we attended a boy's club. The leader of the club asked the boys which was their favorite saint. I pridefully thought he would belt out some awesome saint and guess what he said. WINNIE THE POOH. Yes, you heard me. Winnie the Pooh. He knew well he wasn't a saint, so why did he say that?? That was awesome!
I recall another incident when the kids entered their first track meet. I was so excited to see them run and compete. Due to the fact that this was our first athletic event with the kids, I didn't expect much, but also knew they would do great because John and I are athletic peeps. Wrong again. ALL of our kids got DEAD last and some even cried while running. Wow. I was so taken aback by my reaction. All the way to the track meet, I am saying the usual "Do your best." Well, they had the time of their lives while running their little hearts out. I remember Dominic thinking he got first place (he really got last). He came up to me smiling and said, "Looks like we bought the right shoes, I won my race." gulp. What is wrong with me? Snap out of it. I am smiling at him, but my stomach wants to throw up. I was so embarrassed. I learned so much about myself that day. It was such a day of growth. Here I was thinking that all we want from them was their best. That is exactly what they gave us. I really had to do some soul searching on that one. Once again, I was Pridefully comparing. So, off to the confessional I went, and began again.
Mothers are CONSTANTLY comparing, sizing up, and gauging their child because really it is reflection upon how well WE are doing as their mother. There is no other gauge of our efforts than to see how they compare to others. What a terrible trap! It stifles so much joy and robs us of seeing the individuality of each child and helping them progress into whom God made them to be not who God made them to be like as in other kids their age. Comparison leads to discontentment and anxiousness. It makes my heart unsettled and needy. One of satan's titles is "The King of Immediacy." Meaning, we must fix it now, do something about it now because our child might be left behind.

4. Boredom:
The monotony of our work leads to boredom. We say the same things over and over, do the same things over and over, clean the same things over and over. I mention this only because I think women begin to feel bored and start looking for fulfillment outside of the home when in reality it is just part of the job description. The more we can be distracted from our homes, the more our home life will start to fall apart. The discipline of the monotony is so good for our souls. It is refining and purifying. God purifies us through motherhood. At times, I am very aware that I really am not a key factor in this relationship only God is using these circumstances of the every day to get my soul to heaven. When I separate the two, I am free. When I realize that it is God who is parenting them, not I, I am free. He is using me in this relationship to work out my bumps and bruises. Boredom is part of the job, but the answer to this emotion is not outside of the home. It is a shifting of the thoughts and passions realizing how good all the emotions are for our soul. We can go deeper into union with Him.

5. Just can't keep up/ Just don't add up
We are usually blessed for our own good and humility with a friend who seemingly "just has it together." The kind that every thing they do from their kids, their dogs, their grass, their soap dispensers, their meals, everything just goes well and has an extra little fairy glimmer to it. We, on the other hand, are so proud of ourselves for making our bed this morning, showering and even applying a layer of eyeshadow. Awesome. They usually arrive at our doorstep by 8:30 dressed, all their housework is completed and were just in the neighborhood "dropping off fresh cinnamon rolls" because, and they "can't stay long" because their yoga class starts in 30 minutes. Most days like this, I see God winking at me. Days like this also make me reflect upon who He made me to be and see my own gifts and not compare. Some things just are. I was tempted for a long time with the thought that if I just stayed up late enough to prepare for our homeschooling days everything would go smoothly. I would then be so hard on myself for wanting time to just be with John, or go to be early, or sleep in later than I should. My Aunt told me to stop that immediately. She told me that we can't forget our humanness. We are not robots and are not made to be robots. Don't fall into the temptations of pushing harder.

Once again, I cheer you on! Nothing is more consoling to know that what we are feeling is normal. After I realize what is normal, I then begin to move forward past the emotion. Isn't that all we are looking for? Here's to the reaching of our full potential as an individual mother designed by God to parent these specific children all in the realm of eternity! What freedom!

I read this quote today that said in perfectly for me:
"I wished to have many children so that I could raise them for Heaven." St. Zelie

6 months!

Happy Half Birthday to my baby girl!!!!!!!!!
Where does the time go? I just want time to slow down...
Here we are at her baptism when she was just a week old.

Today she is 6 months. I am so proud of her!

My little Valentine

I had a great Valentine's Day. Lucy and I spent the day together doing all sorts of things we went to the abortion mill and protested today. I forgot to take picture but it really was the sweetest thing. On the way there Lucy just kicked and kicked her legs in her stroller today. It was lovely to see her enjoy the warm air and be so carefree with those little kicks. I would stop and check on her as we walked along and she would just grin at me with a chin full of drool, so cute. While we were there at the Mill Lucy had a toddler trying to kiss her tossies while she was in the stroller. She kept letting out her deep belly laugh which just melts my heart. She just loves to see babies. It's one of the only times I see her really have a long laugh with out Dh and I provoking her to belt it out :)

Anyways, this evening Dh and I watched the movie Life as We Know It...has anyone else seen that movie? I don't know if its just that we prayed so long to have a baby, or if it's the bottle of champagne I devoured tonight but I am a mess after watching that movie. I just cried and cried tonight during the movie thinking about if Lucy was left in someone else' care for the rest of her life.
It's funny how when I married my husband I thought I could never love anyone more than him. Now that I have Lucy I feel Like God has opened my heart even more to love more deeply that it hurts. I don't really know how to explain this other than I love her so much that I would give my life to protect her. She is everything to me. As much as motherhood is so incredibly hard at times. And I cry because I am still selfish and want "me" time and a break not to take care of anyone or anything but just to shut my brain off and just to veg at times...to even contemplate things being differently than what they are and not having her, a part of me, in my life I just can't even imagine life any differently now that I have her.

Motherhood is hard! It's a sacrifice. It's a dying to self. It weakens me only to teach me how much stronger I can be. It's everything I hoped it would be and much more.
I am sorry to think of those poor girls today that were entering Planned Parenthood. They are ignorant of the gift that is dwelling within them. That gift is defenseless and needs protecting. It's just breaks my heart!

This movie for some reason really helped me to contemplate that my little Lucy is a gift from God that I am truly grateful and unworhty to be her parent. She is my little Valentine today :)

If it weren't for all the champagne tonight I don't think I would be so open about my feelings...

Here is a picture of Lucy today with her first Valentine from Mommy and Daddy. A book: Guess How Much I Love you. She just loves to be read to :)

Temporary Change

I am not sure if this is going to be temporary or not but we moved Lucy to her crib at night. Last night was her third night sleeping in it through the night. Every night I have cried because I miss having her right next to me. She doesn't seem to mind being in her crib as far as I can tell. Lucy is used to sleeping in it during her nap times but I just HATE not having her next to me during the night. I miss waking up and seeing her sleeping peacefully next to me or seeing her raise her head and look at me and smile. I get choked up just thinking about it. I know this isn't any situation that has to be permanent but I also don't want to be changing my mind back and forth and moving her from one bed to the next since it is not fair to her. So far though she seems to be sleeping better and so do I...(I think). If she wakes during the night and wants to play for an hour then she can and I can't hear her nearly as well as having her right next to me so there is a better chance of me getting more sleep if she is refusing to sleep. last night though she slept after her 12:30am feeding until 6:15am. I woke up and was shocked! I even asked Dh if he had heard her at all during the night because I never did. I guess she must have just been very tired from a day of just having cat naps but still I feel GREAT this morning after having that much sleep in one night.
I am not sure if we're going to keep her in her crib or not but at the moment it seems to be working.
I have so many mixed feelings about having her sleep in the crib away from me. Tell me I am not crazy but I keep thinking what if this is the only baby I am ever able to have and now this phase is over and I will never have it again... After dealing with infertility I feel like I am full of "what if's". Like what if this is going to be the last time for this or that, etc. Does anyone else ever think this way. I guess that is why I am telling myself it is not permanent her sleeping in her crib so that if I just can't handle it then I'll move her back next to me at night.

On a lighter note Lucy is getting so big and changing so much. She is about 5 1/2 months now and weighs about 20 Ibs.! I am still only nursing her and will probably do so for the next couple of months since we both love it so much. Yesterday morning Dh picked her up out of her crib and brought her to bed with us in the morning while I was still waking up. Lucy reached out and put her hands on both our faces. It was so precious to see her explore our faces with her chubby hands. Oh my goodness I just love her so much!

********Updated********
I moved Lucy back to my room last night and she woke up to play again only an hour and half after nursing. She was up for an hour.I moved her to her crib after that and she slept really well. Could the problem be that she sleeps better in her crib? Her co-sleep is MUCH firmer...Is it because her nursery is darker and my room is a bit brighter, or can she smell that I am there next to her and that wakes her up? I am pulling my hair out over this because I want to do attachment parenting with her but were both not sleeping as well side by side right now...UGH!