Update and Job Offer (updated again)

I guess I have just been in the "not talking about things mood" lately. I don't know what my problem is but those HCG injections usually do it to me. I mean I just get a bit "blue" during the 2WW. Does it seem like any of us are going to have a beautiful success story after all this IF stuff. I was so sad to here about Life in Mazes loss. I was bawling most of the day for all of us IF women. It just broke my heart to hear that after such a long journey of ttc she would lose her baby. It just scares me for the future. (I hope you don't mind me saying that). Will it ever get any easier for any of us? I really don't know what direction to turn to next for ttc. I mean as Catholics are options are so limited that I am wondering what route of treatment is going to get us a BFP. I suppose this mood was probably also brought on by the fact that I went to my previous town for a visit. It is always such a painful visit. The Catholic community there is literally full of babies/children everywhere. Seriously my IF stands out like a sore thumb because EVERYONE has babies one after another. I am embarrassed like people look at Dh and me and think, "Oh, poor L.ou got a broken wife". Because it is true I am physically broken and it is obvious to everyone. I just can't stand it!!! F.acebook is another place where IF seems to slap me in the face because everyone does Mommy quizzes, pregnancy/ birth announcements, childrens pictures, etc. My Dh has actually told me to stop going on that site just because of how sad I get afterwards. Does anyone else have a hard time with F.acebook as well?

Today is CD 28 and I am P+12. I am going to POAS tomorrow and Sunday morning just to see if the HCG is fading away by now. I really don't feel like this cycle is it. I already have cramps so I am just waiting for AF right now. I got my P+8 results back and they were just so-so. Especially since I did have a HCG injection the day before. Here are the results:

Progesterone - 23. 5
Estrodial - 10 Should be greater than 12, but the nurse said it wasn't anything to worry about. (Of course I am going to over analyze this though).

I wonder what the results would have been if I had taken it on P+7. Hopefully next month I'll get to. We should get our chromosome test results back on June 1st. FINALLY! Supposedly it will tell us if we are predisposed match for recurrent miscarriage. I don't know how they can tell this but we'll see what the doctor has to say about this.

So here is the good news this week. I got offered the job I wanted at St. B.enedict C.atholic S.chool. It is the same school where my husband teaches. Anyways, I am VERY excited about this opportunity but I am concerned about how much they will pay me. If it is to low I will be unable to take it. Honestly I am not money hungry we just need enough to pay the bills. The great thing about this job is that I get to work with children, be creative, and really put into practice the things I learned through my student teaching experience. God willing this will all work out well.

Oh, I also FINALLY found some long skirts this summer. I have been looking EVERYWHERE for some that were actually long and cheaply priced. If anyone else is looking for some I found them at N.ew Y.ork and C.ompany and the G.ap. Yeh, Dh let me splurge and get 6. I am trying to make a real effort to dress more feminine and modest, but not l.ittle h.ouse on the p.rairie. haha! That's not to say I am getting rid of my pants and stuff. Don't worry I am not going extreme :)

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SH**! I am spotting! :(

vacation

What am I going to do? Well, first of all I am going to sleep in....maybe. I still haven't heard what time my job interview is for tomorrow. Pretty laid back interviewer, huh. I know it is sometime in the evening, but what time does that mean. I guess I just won't plan anything specific for tomorrow. We'll see.

I went ahead and took your (fellow bloggers) advice and did the HCG injections on Wednesday. I did base it on the 10KL instead of the 10 CL. Also, here is a bit of a confession I think last month I gave myself TO MUCH HCG. Like double doses. oops. What harm can that do? It wasn't until this cycle that I actually got some directions sent to me on how much to mix together and inject.

Well, today is CD 20 and I am just looking forward to see the end results of this cycle and move on. The nurse I talked to the other day said my cortisol (sp?) levels came back in the normal range. Now I guess Dr. H.ilgers just has to write me a letter in regards to the adrenal questionnaire and tell me how my scores added up. I wonder what that means then. Dr. H.ilgers thought I might of miscarried because of adrenal fatigue (one of the reasons) but if my levels were normal then what? I should get the letter soon but I also heard from other girls that it could take awhile.

I am off to watch my show, M.illionaire M.atchmaker, while Dh is at the movies with my brothers. I don't recommend this show since it is really just garbage stuff on it...ssh, my little secret.

What to do? ---Updated

O.k. this is weird. I am on CD 18 and just saw 10CL x1. What do I do now about starting my HCG injections? I really think this is weird and I feel like I ovulated on Sunday because of ovulation pain. I don't want to take the HCG injections to late but my physical signs are that maybe today is peak day. So here is the break down so far
CD 13 - 10KL 1x
CD 14 - 6 KL 1x
CD 15 - 6 KL 1x
CD 16 - 10 KL 1x (Peak Day) ?
CD 17 - 6KL 1x
CD 18 - 10CL 1x (or Peak Day) ?
Can ovulation be delayed from exercising? I have been exercising about 6 times a week and am paranoid if this can affect my peak day. Oh what to do...I am tempted just to take the shots anyways tomorrow just in case ovulation occurred earlier. Am I just analyzing this to much? What would you do? I have to get back to work right now...Ugh!!!
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Update:
OK. Now it is official that today must be my peak day on CD 18. 10 CL x2. That would be peak day right? Am I wrong about this? It is really BIZARRE for me to see mucus this late in my cycle. So, o.k. I am abandoning myself to the c.reighton meathod and trusting that today must be peak even though I was cramping on Sunday. So I will definitely start the HCG injections on Friday and my P+7 blood draw will be on next Tuesday. Um? This cycle is starting to worry me. Is it a bad sign to ovulate late, like on CD 18. (That is I am JUST assuming that I actually officially ovulate as I have never had an ultrasound for this).

In a much smaller note I actually reached one of my fitness goals and ran a 6 mile run tonight. This may sound gross but I stuffed my cell phone in my sports bra (in case I am kidnapped, yes, I am paranoid plus flat chested) and when I hit my goal mark I called Dh to yell in the phone that I did it. So, I guess if I can't have babies at least I can reach one of my MANY fitness goals. haha:)

Ovulation at last

Finally I am pretty sure I ovulated yesterday because I had a 10 KL 1x and ovulation cramping for about half the day. I am so happy about this just because at first I was wondering that it didn't seem like I ovulated. So here is break down of my mucus pattern this cycle. (very little)

CD 13 - 10KL 1x

CD 14 - 6 KL 1x

CD 15 - 6 KL 1x

CD 16 - 10 KL 1x (Peak Day)

Hopefully this means I will start HCG injections on Wednesday. I am going to go to my pharmacy here and have them explain to me how to mix the mixture together because I am really questioning if I did it right last cycle. Oops, guess I'll be more precise this time around. I feel like this time of the month goes by so SLOWLY! I just can't wait to see how things turn out. More than likely my P+7 will fall on this Sunday which means I'll have to get my blood drawn on Monday. I hate having to go on the wrong day, but there is really nothing I can do about this. I wish I would have taken the m.ucinex and Fertile CM more faithfully this cycle but it was really gagging me this time around. I noticed a significant difference this month though so maybe next month I'll just have to suck it up and gobble down ALL the pills to do the trick :)

Over the weekend Dh and I worked so long on our house. He worked on the outside and I cleaned up the inside. I eventually got burned out because believe or not I woke up early and went to exercise class. I know, surprise, surprise ;) After I made us lunch I took a two hour nap and woke up so groggy. I couldn't snap out of it. It was so nice though just to crash after a long afternoon of work. I am so proud of my hubby and the work he did around our little yard. It looks SO much better. Here are some pictures of what I would like to do to our backyard. Box gardens would be so nice in my yard. Has anyone ever tried this? Any advice? O.k. this is my new kick I am on...

Any suggestions

I am so frustrated with my blog right now...any suggestions for color changes/making it more girly?

Blog in construction

I am trying to figure out how to change the look of my blog. AAHH! Please be patient with me ;)

Dinner with the girls

As you probably already know from Grace in My Heart and All You Who Hope, we were finally able to meet for dinner. YEAH! It really seems like we had been planning to get together for months. Crazy, I know! I don't have a picture to post of my own because I left my camera at home but Grace in my Heart sent me a copy so I can post that one too :)

I seriously tried ducking down a bit so I didn't look like a giant but oh well. The girls were so sweet to talk to. It is nice when you have girlfriends that understand what a heavy cross IF is. Plus, they are both really great examples of Catholic women. It is rare that I meet other girls (outside college) that actually believe in all that the Church teaches. I came home and rattled on and on to my husband about all we talked about and how it was just nice to finally get out to socialize with other girls. (We are still pretty new to the R.ichmond area). I can't wait until I am done with my job now so that I have more time to visit with friends. It is really bizarre to me that we all live in the same area and go to the same parish. What a small world! The nice thing was that Dh and I have been talking more and more about adoption and L and K were so helpful answering some of my questions. Thanks girls for a lovely evening :)

Today is CD 14 and has been a really CRAPPY day! I got some really bad financial news this morning and I am trying not to let it stress me out. I don't want anything to ruin this cycle! I am trying to keep in mind what my Grandpa (the one who is dying) told me the other day on the phone, "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff ". I guess it's true in the big scheme of things.

Some good news is I actually saw some 10KL last night just once, but that was a relief to me. I am so happy it's Friday and Peak day is almost here!!! I can't believe this is what I look forward to in my life :) haha.

IF a bad dream?

Sometimes IF feels like a bad dream. I seriously have to wonder sometimes if I am living a bad dream of not being able ttc. Like any moment now I am going to wake up coming back from my honeymoon and actually seeing a + on the pregnancy test and we live happily ever after...Oh, that would have been so nice!

Not that things have been that rough over the years but IF has been my nightmare! I remember thinking in college about those poor girls I knew who were married and weren't able to have children. I thought surely that is not going to happen to me, right? Wrong!!! So many of my girlfriends have one baby after another and I just don't get how sex results in having a baby. It just seems so difficult!

I have been slacking off on this cycle to say the least...I am tired of trying I guess. I think the fact that my 5 year anniversary is next month is just getting me down. I really thought I would have children before 5 years. Where does the time go? Sometimes I feel like panicking because we don't even have things going on the adoption route either so both doors feel closed.

Today is CD 13 and all I have so far is 6LK. Ah, I hope I get a definitive 10 KL soon. Clomid really dries everything up!!! (not to mention gives me more acne).

So there's my complaining for the day. Just wishing IF would go away :(

When will I become a fertile myrtle?

I can't help but be unrealistic about my infertility sometimes. Seriously, I have it in the back of my mind that one day I'll have a baby and everything will just start to work. But how do I make this happen? I spend so much time thinking about what could possibly be the MAJOR problem that is preventing my fertility from kicking in... any suggestions.?

I know I have have/had endo (a mild case), my hormones don't seem to be to high on their own, and supposedly I need T3 for my thyroid. Is this really so damaging...ugh!

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Ooooh, I just found out information about my thyroid results. The doctor left a message for me. I have been taking Slow release T3 since Sept. 2008. Well, I went in to see a specialist because I personally don't feel like this is Dr. H.ilgers area of expertise. (No offense) Anyways, come to find out after getting my blood results back that my T4 levels are on the low side and my T3 levels are on the high side. Dr. B.erger wants me to start taking half tablet of Synthroiyd (sp?)(which is a combo. of T4 and T3) for one week then increase it to a whole tablet. For the slow release T3 she wants me to cut back to one per day for 2 weeks and then stop taking it after that. She is then going to retest my blood to see if I am responding well to this treatment and if not she will add the T3 back in. YEAH! I am so glad to finally get somewhere with all this. Should I tell Dr. H.ilgers I am doing this????

By the way, I have lost 3 pounds since starting exercising three weeks ago. I am trying not to be to disappointed that it is taking forever to lose weight :(

Getting by

Today I just feel like blah probably because I am exhausted from our company this weekend. My girlfriend I went to college with and who was in my wedding came for a visit with her husband and three little ones. I can't help but feel a little sad when I see her children because we were married just four weeks apart. She was actually pregnant already the week of my wedding and didn’t tell me. When I did find out I was so happy for her because I thought Oh we’ll be having babies together. I am sure when I get back from my honeymoon I’ll be pregnant too. Oh my goodness, how things have been so different for us. I wouldn’t want to change the path God has planned for me and Dh for anything (we'll most of the time). It would just be nice to know if children were apart of our future though…
We really had such a wonderful time together. We went on a picnic on Saturday and the weather was beautiful. YEAH. It didn’t rain. (I’ll post pic.s tomorrow).

Today Dh REALLY surprised me and bought me flowers and a card remembering our little Hope M.assett in heaven. This meant so much to me because I was so sad today thinking that I would have been six months along right now and that it was suppose to be just a few months before we would meet our little blessing. I couldn’t help but be sad that this will never happen now (in this life).

Today is such a painful day for so many women. Whether you have suffered with IF, miscarriage, failed adoptions, being single and longing for a baby and a husband (I said that for my sister and her friends) it is just not an easy day to get through. I am praying for you girls today that God will ease your pain.

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Just a little note that I went to see a thyroid specialist last Wednesday. I really like the doctor a lot. She seems like such a thorough doctor. So, I should get some blood results this week. I have another appointment in about 5 weeks for more blood work and then an ultrasound of my thyroid a week after that. I am not sure if that is necessary but I m just glad she is trying to find some answers for me. I’ll keep you posted.

Well, time to face another week tomorrow… sorry this post is just kind of random thoughts...

Cycle Review

I had my cycle review yesterday with a nurse from PPVI. I found out some bad news about my hormone results for P+7. I guess the reason they were abnormally high was because I took an HCG injection the day before on P+6. (I was off on the days to begin with) So, I ask the nurse does this mean if I do take the HCG injection on P+7 I should take it after my blood draw? She said yes. OOPS! I had know idea. Now she is sending me some directions for the shots so I can read about the information of when to take them and when to do the blood draw. No wonder my results were so high. I thought it was really weird to begin with but now I know the results were probably like my previous cycles.

For this cycle I am suppose to continue everything the same as last cycle. (Except no Cod Liver Oil) I have been taking the pre-natal DHA by N.ordic N.aturals instead. The nurse told me to call back in two weeks if I don't here anything about the adrenal questionnaire and cortisol levels. (I took that as call next week.) HAHA. Otherwise I feel like it takes for ever to the ball rolling with anything new. I am so anxious to find out about the results. It would be so nice not to have stress take a HUGE toll on me. Also, we are going to have a new SA done for Dh. I know I have probably mentioned this before since we had another doctor tell us to do this recently but I prefer to go through Dr. H.ilgers for this type of stuff. If you live in the R.ichmond area do you know of any labs that do SA tests? I am just not familiar with this area yet.

Other than this I just thought I would mention I have been having painful throbbing on the right side of my head on and off throughout the day for about four days. It is seriously probably nothing but it is really annoying. Maybe it's because I have been cutting back on caffeine...or maybe because of STRESS. We have had some financial stress recently that has really taken a toll on me. I HATE financial stuff but we are trying to make a game plan for the future and pay off some of our debts. UGH! Seriously it is really hard for me not to get depressed thinking about bills, debt, and IF. I guess it really comes down to sacrifice and hard work.

P.s. (I wish I could just go home right now form work and crawl in to bed on this rainy day.)

New cycle -thank you for your support

Over the weekend we went to my younger brother's house for dinner with his family. Here are some pictures from the evening. We really had such a nice time. Even though Dh hurt his back and had to be laid up over the weekend...poor hubby. (There are a ton of pic.s so feel free to skip this part)

My dad, Dh, and brother hanging out.

My dad, and sister.

My brother and his wife.

My SIL and her daughter (her other baby was already a sleep by this time).

Me squishing Dh.

My sister, mom, and me

My niece and me

My niece and sister

What a relief ... on to a new cycle. I started my cycle Saturday afternoon. So I am counting that as CD 1. Today is CD 3 and I am just now starting my antibiotics (we should have started on CD 1) and also starting another round of clomid today. We'll see how it all goes. Otherwise I am trying not to focus to much on TTC right now. At least not being obsessed like I was during the 2ww last cycle. I am really trying to focus on other things right now like diet, exercise, and getting our home life in order.

Dh actually talked to me this morning about following a diet for endometriosis. I was actually rather surprised that he would bring this up on his own. I have a girlfriend who had stage IV endo. and then had it removed. She went on Lupron for six months and then ttc after that. Nothing happened. Then she went on a STRICT diet for endo. based on this book. After three months her cycles were pain free and three months after that she conceived her baby girl. Since she followed this diet that is rather anti-inflammatory her chances of miscarriage were greatly reduced. Her pregnancy really didn't have any complications except for low progesterone for awhile. She now has a beautiful healthy baby girl. I suppose this is why Dh is asking me to follow it. He even said he would follow it to so he can help me. How sweet! I am going to really try my best at this during this cycle and take it one cycle at a time. I don't normally do well following a diet so I am a little hesitant telling you all I am going to try this but maybe that will help make me stick to it. Any advice/suggestions if you know about this diet would be greatly appreciated :)

I really am so thankful for all of the support you girls gave me last cycle. You all were so positive and prayerful. Such great examples for me. Thank you again for all your kind words and sense of humor. It really helped me out during such a disappointing cycle.

P+15

Today is P+15 and I am soooo ready to start a new cycle. I POAS this morning and it was a big fat NEGATIVE. So now I am more than certain I am not pregnant. So enough of the emotional roller coaster. On a side note the nurse I spoke to the other day called me yesterday. During our conversation she said she was sorry for saying that she thought I might be pregnant. I really thought that was nice of her to say because it certainly did get my hopes up sky high. Aren't the people at PPVI so nice :)

Well, I am just waiting for another cycle to start now and feeling very BLAH about everything. It is so hard at times like this not to get down in the dumps. Seriously, I ask myself so many questions like; should I have been doing an endo diet? Should I have not exercised? Maybe it was the margarita I had, or stress that prevented it this time...Did I do something that stopped me from conceiving? How can drug mothers spend entire cycles doing drugs and abusing their body only to conceive. If only it were that easy...UGH!
Sorry for being down.

This cycle is almost definitely over...

I really believe that the nurse should have NEVER told me she thought I might be pregnant. First of all it seriously makes me a crazy lady waiting to test and secondly, it doesn’t change a thing! I really wish the nurse would have just said to go have a blood test done on Fri. rather than Sun. since their office will be closed. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so consumed by this then. After about 5 years TTC I am bound to lose my mind if a nurse suggests I might be pregnant. SERIOUSLY!

Today is P+14 and I already POAS this morning.To me it is a negative. Granted there is a very faint positive line on the test, I truly believe that it is like my previous cycle on these shots where it was negative and the line is only there because of the remaining HCG in my body. UGH! Does this make sense? I am going to call PPVI and ask if I can skip the blood test because I am practically certain it will be negative. I mean maybe if AF doesn’t come over the weekend I can just get the blood test done on Monday…I am really thinking about this all way to much :(